(This is a pic of Eboni...my girl cheated on me with a fucking stud....and guess what? Marv is a stud.... Eboni played her so bad, cheated on her EVERYTHING but she cheats on me with some1 who looks like this--------------------------->
SO today i have been thinking... do you really know what your Boyfriend/Girlfriend says about you to their best friend? I know that when i first told some of my friends about me being with a woman they kinna acted a little weird with me. Even before my relationship with he i would tell my friends about the men that i was seeing and what they did that would cause them to chase me away. Over this year i have noticed that marv tells her friends shit about me that really makes me look crazy but her friends don't know the real side... uhm i don't know. Today i txt'd Blair and told her that since this year is coming up for me and marv.... i cant help but to think about her and Eboni... a week b4 we got the title she did that and now i think about that one thing when the month of march comes up.... call me crazy but its true. How do i overcome this? Do i talk to Marv about it? My only thing is that i don't want to fight about it. I don't want to cry about it. But is me talking about it make it better 2 deal with OR does it put me back in the same hole? I get no answers from marv...when we talk about this i just get a blank stare from her... a i really don't wanna talk about this stare.
Her best friend is Jamia...i wonder what she tells her about me. I'm sure its things that she would never tell me...should i be mad at that? In a way i am because i believe in communication in a relationship. If i don't know how you think about something that's occurring in the relationship how can one make it better? But then again she is entitled to speak with her bff about me right? i don't know ladies...i just don't know.
Marv tells me that she is thinking about setting up a page on a gay website...I'm not sure of the site. How do i feel about it? hummmm in a way i don't care but in a way i do. Something inside of me tells me that i should stop caring so much...maybe that would ease my mind on certain things. I have found out worrying don't help shit.... i worried about her fucking Eboni and you know what? SHE DID..... so i was stressed from worrying and stress because that's what she choose to do at that time, that moment. AND honey how that has changed my way of thinking. The truth is that I'm still hurt and it don't matter what man i sleep with whether its to get her back or try to take the pain away from my heart.... march 13 2008 will always be printed in my mind, my heart, and my relationship. If i didn't care so much i think i would be able to sleep at night without thinking about the things that she has done....maybe i could see Eboni without getting hurt all over again. My next question is something that i think no one will be able to answer.... WHEN WILL THE PAIN GO AWAY OR WILL IT EVER GO AWAY?
I often ask myself why did i give someone this much power to do damage? but when i think about it i don't remember when i gave over the power to her....giving someone the key the my heart hoping they wont crush it. She has already.....how do you give some1 that power again? Should you give that away again? This is way different from my virginity. When i gave a man that part of me it hurt.... but after that it didn't hurt anymore..... but this love thing... every time i give it to someone it hurts just like the first time i gave my flower that special man. Hell in a way i think that my love...that non tainted love may be more special to give than my virginity because pain in fact may be the ending result but unlike my virginity it hurts over and over and over again.....
At first i thought about is i was facing a self v.s self conflict but in a way i think its self v.s man (me v.s marv). I am searching for something but at times I'm not sure what it is. Am I truly happy here in this relationship or do i just feel comfortable? Is my insecurities about this matter itself? Is it something much deeper within me? I feel like companionship is fundamental in human growth...do my bad experiences have lots to do with me not being all the way secure in this? Does it make me have a mind frame of hope for the best but expect the worst? I just don't know now.... i don't know if i ever did.
I need to think about some things...I need help with thinking. I'm about to go take a bath and try to relax. I might talk to marv about it if i know that i will get some answers from her... but i don't know what i want to know.... hummmmm i have just been doing some thinking.
First off, I dont think it matters who your girl cheated on you with -stud or not- you dont deserve to be cheated on and especially when you are holding everything down in the home. You take care of Marv! I will commend you on still sticking through it and giving it your all because thats what a relationship is really about. People always want to run when someone cheats and says "well that was the last draw" as if cheating is the ultimate crime. there are SO many other wrong in a relationship that in my opinion are just as bad or worse even than infidelity. Not sympathizing with me when Im sad or depressed about something, or forgetting every important day in my life: like my job interview with my dreamjob, or forgetting to pick me up at the doctors office when I am sedated and have to drive home damn near unconscious. You get what Im saying?
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah I can only imagine what bestfriends talk about, I know it gets grimey in conversation when those two people used to be together too. When I used to talk to Mr.NyC 2 about Mr.NyC 1, I would throw all business out to relieve myself but then when Mr. NyC 2 would start bashing Mr. NyC 1, I would get all defensive and take up for him. You get what Im saying? What Im saying is that even though Marv may share this private information (bad and good) about your relationship with her bestfriend, she would not let her bestfriend dog you out. Its highly unlikely. Her friends will never know the real side because from our personal perspective, there is only two sides
Side 1. Our view of the situation and how we are right
Side 2. Our viw of the situation and how we are right ALONG with our distorted hypothesis on how we THINK the other party/person feels.
Thinking about Marv cheating before your anniversary has gotta be so so hard and I wish I could tell you how to overcome that. Marv now showing any response but a blank stare is not helpful at all. What is she thinking? Hell, I guess you dont know!
I think Marv is entitled to talk about you to her bff but I dont think its WISE of her to do it. When youre experiencing ILL feelings for your boo, your friends (depending on who they are) either sympathize with you or critize your thoughts. When they sympathize with you, it kinda amps you up a bit. But when they critize you it shows you things in another light. Her convos with her bff MIGHT be whats keepin marv calm with you (if she wants to go off, that is). Sometimes I feel like the quiet responses from marv might mean that she is irritable with your relationship. Im only saying that because I get quiet and non-responsive when Im just sick and tired of communicating with someone. And usually thats when people always have something negative to say. The only thing that kept me talking to those people were mutual friends. You get my drift? Its possible that you might wanna look at this in another light in order to solve the problem. Force yourself to see what you would consider to be the "ditorted views" of marv and see what you come up with. It might help you in solving the problem at hand.
Me and my friend NiNi and her friend Ashley were just talking about people who set up pages on social/match making sites when they are in a relationship. We argued about it for hours lol. My thoughts were (being an internet addict of course): I love the damn internet and no man is ever gonna get me off of my beloved social sites" lol. And my friend NiNi said "some people set it up for attention but why the hell does he need that damn attention? What are you gonna do with it?". And I agree with both. Figure out why Marv wants to do this? Is it for my reason (the love of social sites) or for a deeper reason? Do it on the low so you dont get into a fight. That doesnt mean to sneak around in her business, just be a little inquisitive but in a happy way. "oh babe! hows your page going? let me see!" - rolling my eyes
In the mean time, Marv can pick up on you being upset or frustrated. Even if you try to play it off. And that annoys people (I know first hand because I annoy people with my sadness all of the time). What this means is that you cant fake being happy. You have to feel it forreal whit-you cant game yourself. Youre too smart for that. I dont think its possible to just up and find what you are searching for. Shit like that just develops and happens. In the mean time you end up fucked up in the head trying to figure out why in the hell you arent happy. The more you try to figure it out, the worse you will get. You gotta find this missing happiness - you cant fake it.
Dr.Phil talked about the "cheating" issue on TV . He said that they found that with cheating its usually not about the sex, but its about something deeper. Its something that you arent providing her with (not as bad as it sounds) that she is finding in Eboni or with her bff. Is it conversation? Emotional support? Attention? Genuine appreciation? Maybe you should just confront it head on and tell her that you need to know where you guys stand now because if its over then u need to move on. Let her know that youre not going to second guess this relationship anymore. Let her know that she needs to give you the respect and consideration or courtesy of letting you know where you stand so that if its over, you can move on with your life. Otherwise you will be sitting there wondering if everything is ok or will be ok and its not and it wont. If marv has a difficult time expressing her emotions, ask her to put it in a letter. anything, but she needs to talk.