It pisses me of when...

Lately things have been rocking in my relationship sometimes i wake up in the morning and i look over at MJ and I'm happy that i have someone that loves me waking up next to me. However there are other times when i wake up and my mind takes me to the place where MJ is fucking Eboni (picture down below). I just recently found out that a very good friend of mine(since middle school) has befriended Eboni... and she has been talking about my relationship to Eboni and Chole(the girl that my college bf dumped me for). She was suppose to be my best friend but she fails to mention that she replaced me as a best friend for Chole...She told MJ not to tell me that her (MJ) and eboni had seen each other (the night they fucked) MY BEST FRIEND KNEW THAT MY GIRL CHEATED ON ME!!! MY BEST FRIEND became friends with Chole after we were about to whoop Choles ass for talking shit about me and when i brought it to her she told me that my beef is my beef...SHe moved in with Chole....she is FUCKING chole...yes fucking chole. It pisses me off that once again i have been back stabbed.

SO ME and MJ have decided not to talk to her about our relationship. We have decided that we can only talk to 3 people about us because everyone is not looking out for our best interest. But yesterday marv and i got into it and today one of the ppl that we talk to told me today that if we couldn't come to an agreement then we (me and MJ) should take a break. What bothers me is when someone comes to me and MJ and tell us that we don't need to be together. NO ONE knows my relationship like me NO ONE and it does not matter what i write on my blogs what i tell my "friends" NO ONE will ever know how it really is. IT pisses me off that my friends could give me advise on things and when they are in the same situation they don't take the same advice they have given to me. They are only a few "friends" that i have talked to that has NEVER said yall need to take a break or yall don't need to be together. AND i have never told anyone to leave, take a break, from anyone that's in their life. (check my comment on Karrine's blog)

I write on this blog because it does not comment back, these keys that i pound on never judge me or my decisions, this screen shows a non judgemental reflection back @ me, and when i need to make choices i can look back on my feelings and pick the right path for me. If i leave it wont be because SOMEONE TOLD ME THEY THINK I NEED TO TAKE A BREAK.

Lets go into detail about what it means to "take a break from someone": I told MJ that i don't do breaks because i know that i will talk to someone else. 1)I feel like when you break from someone its not helping your relationship. How the fuck am I helping my relationship by brushing it under the rug and not talking about the problem ???? A break means that i don't see or talk to this person... 2) knowing that i will talk to someone else....this will bring more drama in the picture because i don't lie so i will have to tell this new person that I'm nlove with someone else and there is a poss. that i will go back to them....so in a way I'm wasting that persons time and the potential for them to meet someone who KNOWS they want to be with them. (marv did that shit to me.... she fucked up my chances to be with someone that KNEW they wanted to be with me....and i feel for her not knowing her truth.) I was heart broken..still am. ANd i don't want to waste other peoples time or hurt feelings. 3. What happends if i talk to someone else and have a deeper connection with them? Then i have to break MJ's heart by telling her that. 4. What if MJ talks to someone else then we get back together..not only would we have a problem with me thinking about her and Eboni but we would have a problem with the new chick!

Final Thought: Why would i take a break when all of these things would fall into play? Why would i add on more problems to a already fucked up relationship? Why am i staying? Because love can make you stupid and maybe I'm being stupid but its a chance I'm willing to take.

On Another note: I'm not sure about school...i mean imma stay in school to graduate but its harder to stay focused. Its harder to wake up in the morning and go to class. Its harder to juggle school and work. It feels like everything is coming at me so fast. I have no money but MJ is bringing in the dough so that's something that is helping out.

She had a job interview...i called a couple of ppl that i use to work with(supervisor) and he put MJ's application up to the top and she said the interview went well so hopefully it works out and her income tax is coming and her mom sent her 300 and the schools refund checks came out so i ha vent had to pay for much which is great. I just hope that the money keeps coming in by her getting this job.

I have seen you guys post and just to answer some of them: Lots of you may ask what do i see in her? I see that she has potential to do well but she needs a push and as of right now i have the strengh to be her support and hopefully she will get it together. Her mother does not support her....no one in her family does...her mom just sent that money but she hasn't spoken to MJ since Jan 25th MJ's birthday and she didn't even tell her happy birthday...she told her that being with a woman aint nothing but trouble and she needs to pray more than ever....BLAH BLAH BLAH.... whats funny is that her mother isn't even super religious so that came out of nowhere.... but I'm the one supporting her...feeding her...helping her with everything... but let her mom tell it..I'm trouble. I guess its in my blood to help people that are in need...and i see her changing i see her tryna to get with the program and hopefully we can grow.... so today i feel hopeful. But feelings are temporary.... but i will be happy today.

This picture represents my strength...my loyalty...

Get yo shit...get yo shit...and get out!

SO this topic is something that I never had to deal with... for the past year I have been taking care of Marv. I mean i am paying the ALL the bills and when we go out I take the tab ALL the fucking time. I have Marv take me to work every day so she can take the car to look for a job... she has wireless Internet at home to search for jobs yet she has done nothing to help out around this place....still no damn job. I am over drawn on my Bank of America account and i owe my on my Visa...I wont even tell ya how much I owe....I told my girl Jackie that i wasn't gonna tell Marv about me struggling but she suggested that I do...Its something about people seeing me do bad that I try to cover up. Even if its the person that I'm with... I never like for people to see me sweat but I'm really sweating. SO I asked a good friend what should I do you know? I didn't want to bring it to her the wrong way...i know that money can be a touchy subject...even for me when I had it.

Here is how it all got started:

Last night Marv told me that she wasn't gonna take me to work...she wanted to sleep in. When she told me that we laughed it off and we had a good night. So this morning i had to be at work at 11 am so i rolled out the bed around 10 and straightened up the house alittle, i seen that Marv was still in the bed so i ask her to take me to work... SHE GETS A FUCKING ATTITUDE!!!! But she gets up and basically bitched all the way to the job.... so I get out of the car when we pulled up to Enterprise and jump out of the car without saying anything... she rushed off.... tired burning rubber in crap. THAT PISSES ME OFF!!! she tells me that she wanted to sleep in that's why she had a attitude but here's the deal ladies... my job is 10 mins away so there in back it would have taken her less than 30 mintues! SO 2 pm hits and she comes to get me... we get back to the house i start warming up food for us to eat out of the previous night. She puts on the basketball game...i ask her does she really want to watch the game because I'm really not into basketball...she starts to get upset with me. So i sit for awhile pulling my thoughts together.... should i say something to her? Should i let it slide...SO i text my friend just so i could get a second opinion. She says that i should say something.... SO i tell Marv that she has not been fair to us or me.... I go to work while she is at home sitting in the couch doing nothing. I told her that there are people that go to work, go to school, and play basketball.... its do-able but i told her that she is not putting in the work. Okay ladies here in the deal.... marv is not even into the damn season so WHY in the hell cant you take some time to get a damn job? Basketball practice ends at 4 o clock she only has night classes on tues and thurs so mon, wed, fri, sat and sun... perfect for a job huh? Well she started yelling at me saying that i dont appreciate what she has done for me and blah blah blah... i feel like that's nothing but an xcuse... she knows I appreciate what she does but i need more... hell she could have paid a bill for me on valentines day and I woulda been happy. I'm not big on VALENTINES DAY anywho so just a card would have been great for me but whatever. She has a way of making me feel like I'm in the wrong when i get ad at her... When we were talking she was rolling her eyes at me and acting like she didn't wanna hear what i had to say... SO i told her if you got a tude then you need to leave. I have come to realize that i cant help someone that wont help themselves.... in the end I'm bringing myself down. My mom is like you wouldn't take this shit from a man whit.... so why are you dealing with it with a woman. and as much as i hate to say it... she is right. Why am i taking this from her? I'm a full time student struggling to take care of me, marv, the bills, car note, and 2 dogs..... the cost of living is high! I feel like i have a fucking child.... I'm too young for this shit. Why does it seem like i always run into the ones that gives me problems???

There is this man that i use to work with at Enterprise. Marcus. He has graduated and works at a good job. NO KIDS he is pretty stable... and he wants me. he has been wanting me but I wont get with him.... i see something in Marv. I know what she can do....i just only wish that she sees what i do... Will she ever? Should i give her a deadline time? I did some calling around to see if i could get her a job...they called back but she wasn't around me. So marv will have to call him back on tues. I really hopes she gets this job...for her sake mostly. I have decided to cut things down... i cant afford it anymore...i just cant. Her things are by the door...in bags ready to be shipped out if things don't change. Hell i can do bad by myself..... so hey if shit don't get better you what? She is gonna have to get her shit...get her shit...and get out! But i do love her...i just don't love her enough to bring myself down anymore... no one is worth me struggling for if they not tryna help themselves.

Been doing some thinking

(This is a pic of Eboni...my girl cheated on me with a fucking stud....and guess what? Marv is a stud.... Eboni played her so bad, cheated on her EVERYTHING but she cheats on me with some1 who looks like this--------------------------->

SO today i have been thinking... do you really know what your Boyfriend/Girlfriend says about you to their best friend? I know that when i first told some of my friends about me being with a woman they kinna acted a little weird with me. Even before my relationship with he i would tell my friends about the men that i was seeing and what they did that would cause them to chase me away. Over this year i have noticed that marv tells her friends shit about me that really makes me look crazy but her friends don't know the real side... uhm i don't know. Today i txt'd Blair and told her that since this year is coming up for me and marv.... i cant help but to think about her and Eboni... a week b4 we got the title she did that and now i think about that one thing when the month of march comes up.... call me crazy but its true. How do i overcome this? Do i talk to Marv about it? My only thing is that i don't want to fight about it. I don't want to cry about it. But is me talking about it make it better 2 deal with OR does it put me back in the same hole? I get no answers from marv...when we talk about this i just get a blank stare from her... a i really don't wanna talk about this stare.

Her best friend is Jamia...i wonder what she tells her about me. I'm sure its things that she would never tell me...should i be mad at that? In a way i am because i believe in communication in a relationship. If i don't know how you think about something that's occurring in the relationship how can one make it better? But then again she is entitled to speak with her bff about me right? i don't know ladies...i just don't know.

Marv tells me that she is thinking about setting up a page on a gay website...I'm not sure of the site. How do i feel about it? hummmm in a way i don't care but in a way i do. Something inside of me tells me that i should stop caring so much...maybe that would ease my mind on certain things. I have found out worrying don't help shit.... i worried about her fucking Eboni and you know what? SHE DID..... so i was stressed from worrying and stress because that's what she choose to do at that time, that moment. AND honey how that has changed my way of thinking. The truth is that I'm still hurt and it don't matter what man i sleep with whether its to get her back or try to take the pain away from my heart.... march 13 2008 will always be printed in my mind, my heart, and my relationship. If i didn't care so much i think i would be able to sleep at night without thinking about the things that she has done....maybe i could see Eboni without getting hurt all over again. My next question is something that i think no one will be able to answer.... WHEN WILL THE PAIN GO AWAY OR WILL IT EVER GO AWAY?

I often ask myself why did i give someone this much power to do damage? but when i think about it i don't remember when i gave over the power to her....giving someone the key the my heart hoping they wont crush it. She has already.....how do you give some1 that power again? Should you give that away again? This is way different from my virginity. When i gave a man that part of me it hurt.... but after that it didn't hurt anymore..... but this love thing... every time i give it to someone it hurts just like the first time i gave my flower that special man. Hell in a way i think that my love...that non tainted love may be more special to give than my virginity because pain in fact may be the ending result but unlike my virginity it hurts over and over and over again.....

At first i thought about is i was facing a self v.s self conflict but in a way i think its self v.s man (me v.s marv). I am searching for something but at times I'm not sure what it is. Am I truly happy here in this relationship or do i just feel comfortable? Is my insecurities about this matter itself? Is it something much deeper within me? I feel like companionship is fundamental in human growth...do my bad experiences have lots to do with me not being all the way secure in this? Does it make me have a mind frame of hope for the best but expect the worst? I just don't know now.... i don't know if i ever did.

I need to think about some things...I need help with thinking. I'm about to go take a bath and try to relax. I might talk to marv about it if i know that i will get some answers from her... but i don't know what i want to know.... hummmmm i have just been doing some thinking.

Show me my Opponet...

So this past couple of days have been hard for me. Once again im having trouble with Enterprise. I got into it with my manager because she told me that i was being written up, phone abuse is what they call it but what gets me is that i have ranked number 25 out of the entire 3 call centers at Enterprise... i have brought in so much rev in thid company and I'm always getting the short end of the stick. SO i had to use my girl's jossi's word and tell my manager that i would be Enterprise's corporate slave... i feel like shit is not going right for a reason. I was thinking about it...i'm a business major...i have so many skills under my belt. I have ppl around me with excellent skills too...i have someone that can clown with makeup, someone that is expanding their knowledge with photos, i know an wonderful artist and i think i need to showcase these ppl's talents. I dont want to setting with Enterprise, yes its a fortune 500 company but its not my company! I have the potential to showcase my talents and those around me. I have the potential to be my own boss and a step stone for those around me looking to have a career that they love just by traveling with me. I always thought that Enterprise was my oponet but the truth is that IM MY ONLY OPPONET...

Is God tryna tell me something? Is he tryna make me uncomfortable so i can move things? Ifeel like im suppose to be doing something in this world other than sitting at a desk and taking calls. I understand that I have to do what I have to do, to do what I want to do...Education is my only way out of ignorance, out of darkness, into the glory of light.

Who is the judge?

The judge is God.

Why is he God?

Because he decides who wins or loses. Not my opponent.

Who is your opponent?

He does not exist.

Why does he not exist?

Because he is a mere dissenting voice of the truth I speak!

SO where do i start? I dont know but I will find out...Yeah today I feel empowered. The greatest weakness of man is self doubt....

issues issues issues!!!

I just found out i have a new follower!!! HELLO ANNA!!! and congrats on graduated from SEMO. speaking of SEMO my girls basketball team plays them tonight. Hopefully they get a win. hum today has been a pretty chill day. i have trying to handle some business and from the looks of things i kind of put myself into a pretty bad situation...well i feel like im in a bad situation. So i will tell you ladies the story.

Last year in june i had bought me a car. I decided to buy from Enterprise because they were giving 1000 off of a car and at the time i was pro Enterprise. However since i was not full time and my mother didnt want to co sign for me so i had to make a choice. I was rented a call and at the time i had owed Enterprise 1000 dollars. I found a car dealership that would give me a car without a co signer and my monthly bills would be under 280. Sounded great to me but the only car that they could give me was a 2 door chevy cavilier. When i got into the car i realized it was too small for me..i mean i really dont like it. since it has not been a year that i have had the car you can imagion how much i owe on it. I went to Enterprise website and i found a SUV under 10,000 and a full size car that around 9g's...great right? WRONG well i still have to pay off my chevy b4 so not only would i have to pay for this SUV or full size car i have to pay off the chevy whick means my car note will be more than what i am willing to pay. I called the credit union to see what they could do for me but i was on hold for damn near 50 minutes so i hung up... i guess i will try again tomorrow.

Now my lease is up in sept but i will not be sining another lease here at NORWOOD APTS i would never refer anyone to these apts i hate it here. AND marv will be moving in with me so we are looking for a 3 bedroom apt..i found a townhouse that is 850 a month. so splitting it down the middle we would be paying 450. I was planning on going full time at Enterprise and hopefully marv can find a job and also do full time or WE are gonna be shit outtah luck. Im really depending on her now. She soesnt have a job right now because if the basketball season but i feel like she doesnt have a job because she isnt applying herself. Her teammate works fulltime, goes to school fulltime, and still plays basketball so i KNOW she can do it to.... but if you dont apply yourself nothing will come 2 you. There is just soooooo much stuff that i need but money is not looking right.

Another problem that im having are the dogs... most apts are only accepting one dog i have two... but im really thinking about giving my boy yorkie away. He barks too much and he is pee'n everywhere and he is really taking a toll on me... my leasing office told me that they would give me a 30 days notice if the dog keeps distrubing the peace.... my mother once wanted him but know she doesnt so i just might sell him for 650. i got his papers and stuff...full blooded yorkie. So keep your ears open and eyes glued to the blog if you guys are interested.

ughhhhhh and school is still dragging on.... what more can i say about that issue? The thing that bothers me about HSSU is that they are so undeveloped. They dont even have a summer school booklet out yet and i still cant see my akademic history...no one knows when the hold will be lifted from my account.... Im sick of this shit.... maybe i should transfer to UMSL....

Well its time to go to Enterprise.... IM so tired of saying. "thank you for choosing Enterprise, National, or Alamo Whitney is speaking...what can i do 4 you tonight." welp im outtah here

PS the picture is of the boy dog i may be selling....

Lord please make a way!

questions?

HUMMMM...today...today was hum bitter sweet? I lost my damn ID so i decided to go to the DMV but the line was long as shit...SO i decided to go the Cracker Brarrel with the wife. When we had gone i had seen my old friend Kevin...hehehehehehehe he sex'd one of my good friends when we all worked there. Well he finds my girl very attractive which is funny! Well she does a have big butt, small waist, and nice sized breast but you would never know because she is a stud and she wears those baggy clothes...but i guess Kevin sees her body. LOL We got into it today...same ole same ole reasons because of Eboni and then the whole "Morning Sex blog". Marvelous doesnt think i should write on here... she says that no1 should know our business..but honestly i dont look at it as telling all of my business...its me releasing these toxic thoughts and feelings.

Work wasnt so bad today...i got to leave my problems at the door with marvelous and i walked into a place where i make my money. A place where usually i dread going to...i was kinna happy to be there. And the place i call home with my wife was getting smaller....too small for the both of us.

Now im at home, and i think we are hiding something. We are hiding the talk that we need to have...but does she really wanna talk about it? Should we talk about it? hummm...i dont know. I want to have a good night. Yeah a good night sounds good to me.

Oh yeah i forgot to mention this ring! the wife gave it to me about a week ago... i will post up a picture of it. The question that i get the most is, "WHITNEY ARE YOU ENGAGED!?!" and no im not answering that question anymore. Everytime i look down at my hand i think about the chance for for to be happy but there are so many things in our past that really prevents me from really being happy without thinking about Eboni, Ericka, Keeva, Kristal, the lies everything! How do you let go of the past in order to make the present and the future better? Can you? Its it really realistic to think that i can forget about everything that has happen? Should i forget?

I'm not sure where to go... i guess i will just sit and wait...hopefully i will have a good night. whether its me holding myself or being in the arms of the wife.

oh yeah the video is what the wife put on my myspace...FUNNY ASS HELL.. she knows i like Beyonce. if its not up here...that means im not as raw as i thought i was....who knows how 2 post a damn video????

MORNING SEX

So today i wake up in need for some sex'n before i start my day. My girl is laying next to me and for some reason i think she looks so sexy despite the morning breath but hey that comes with over nighting some1. So i reach over careful not to expose my MB (morning breath)...i start to touch her...a gentle touch to her waist just to let her know that I'm up and its also like my permission touch.... i would consider it my body asking hers does she feel like "touching" this morning. She moans... I'm thinking that's my answer. I touch her breast...her nipples harden accompanied with a soft moan. So now I'm thinking we are on the same page. My body reacts from her response to my touch...I'm thinking man so these are the perks of having a damn near live in partner. But when she opens her mouth to speak... the sound of rejection enters my ears..."get up babe, we have to get up".Hummmm....this is my first GF. Honestly i thought things would be different...but i thought the sex would be the same meaning i thought i would have lots of sex like i did when i was with a man. The men that i were with never rejected me. I have never been turned down for sex until now...with her. Its weird. This problem has been here every since we had started sexin and i was actually comfortable with approaching her for the good lovin. Hummmm...i ask her if shes cheating again but the answer is no. I cant say that I'm satisfied sexually with her. I mean when we have sex its mind blowing but it seems like sex is always on her time...Should i cheat? should i continue to try to keep talking to her about it? We have talked about it before and she said that she would change because she wants me to be happy but i told her that i don't want her to force herself into having sex with me...that just seems wack (yes ladies i said wack). I know that any other man would love to have that chance to make hot wax burning candles mind blowin sex with me but would it be worth going outside of my relationship? IDK anymore...i just don't know. But what i do know it that i got no sex this morning...i guess Chris Rock was right when he said NO SEX IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM....ahhhhhh... I'm frustrated. HELP!

What a weekend

Hey guys!!!!

okay well where do i start off? my weekend was cool but some things kind of upset me. Friday was a typical day...i think my first blog picked up on friday... yeah it did. LOL me and Marv had gone to the Olive Garden with some of our friends. After the night was over i came home and started writing in the blog since my gurl jossitold me i had to write in it everyday.... I wassuppose to have passionate love making all night with the wife. It didnt happend....she fell asleep on me because i was bloggin. SO yeah i missed out!!! but writing in my blog was like taking meds for me...its so much shit in my mind and its nice to write it down... so missing out of some love making... well lets just say my having a piece of mine was worth not getting sex. Its weird like my sex drive is soooooo much higher then marvelous's (my gf). She is use to long distance relationships so she really never had to have sex this much.... but did u notice how i worded that???? i feel like sex shouldnt be a chore... i mean damn... if we living together and im not fucking ne 1 else then why in the hell cant i make love to my girl anytime i want? She loves to go down on me.... i mean she is someone that loves to please me but it would make me feel better if she wanted to get off as well by me touching her. IDK what the deal is... like in the morning she can wake up doing me but she cant get herself to the point to where she will cum.... i even spiced things up in the bedroom. i have hand cuffs, favored massages, ice, dildo (4 me), light candles, i make sure we do it in different places in the house... i mean i get nasty with it but sometimes she dont be feeling it. What do yall think? could it be me?

Anywho...saturday: she had a beasketball game...they lost. This year they have really been doing bad...i just think they arent into it anymore. i think marv and her team are so discouraged about the new coach that took over, thier season last year (which was GREAT), i mean there are lots of things that could be causing this season to be so awful. Marv is the team captain but to me there are things that she could be doing better to help lead the team but when i tell her things she just brushes it off, so i just sit in the crowd and shut my mouth. Later that saturday night we went over to Marv's teammate place and i got fucked up.... too much liquor and not enough sense. I passed out...honestly i dont remember marv picking me up and putting me in the bed....if you guys hadnt figured it out marv is a stud.

SUNDAY: well ol good Enterprise (my place of employment) is making me work a damn weekend, after i had weekends off for about a year in a half....i had to work sunday.... LOL yup well when i woke up i was still drunk. But i went to work anyway...and sure enough i threw up and had to be sent home. Which was pretty scary...i was thrown'n up blood....so i came home and slept for awhile.... marv stayed in the bed with me and she showed me some pictures she took of me last night.... very ugly. i might put on up so u guys can see how fucking bad i was!!! later on some of our friends came over and we watched the L Word...yup yup yup i have l word parties... if you dont know what the LWord is then i will tell you... its a les tv series on showtime. It comes on every sunday at 8 central time. Well jackie and britt comes over every sunday...LOL i love them. they are so funny but today they were fighting and it reminded me of my and marvs problem that we had...or maybe the problems that we are having. But i dont wanna get into that...i will save that for another blog. After the L word went off jack and britt left and i began to do some homework but i got so frustrated!!!! i mean i am so ready to get out of school its crazy... i mean im not tryna rush to "grow up" LOL but i have been in school for 5 years and it seems like every year its harder for me to stay focused.... i need some type of motivation SOMETHING help me ladies!!!! Well that was it for right now..... sorry it wasnt filled with drama like the other blog maybe next time! AND HELLO TO ALL THAT ARE FOLLOWING MY BLOG!!! :o)